by Kayelina Publico
after Melissa Lozada-Olivia’s “Bitches”
I want to write a poem for the restaurant bitches
The I wanna get the fuck outta here
I’ve been here since 9 in the morning, bitches
The I gotta get my nails done by Tony, acrylic paint only, bitches
The I don’t know where I’m going
But I like where I’m at, bitches
The women don’t respect themselves these days
So don’t give those boys any poontang, bitches
Wearing all black like I haven’t washed this shirt in a week
Your orders up, bitches
I wanna write a poem for the restaurant reject bitches
Call in sick just so we can swallow fireball until 3
Seat me my damn regulars, I gotta talk to Scott about my schedule, bitches
My account should be going up, not down bitches
Gotta pay rent this Friday and feed my kids
Cause my ex-husband decided not to do it for me, bitches
Over forty hours a week, bitches
Some stupid ass baby made a mess at table three
Sharon slept with Aaron but you didn’t hear it from me
Goddamn, Millie can cook the shit out of a flat iron steak back there, bitches
Don’t forget to tell your girlfriend she’s pretty, bitches
Otherwise, back of the house will do it for you, bitches
86 prime rib bitches
I want to write a poem for all the people that eat out at restaurants
But don’t know how to tip, bitches
The, “this iced tea tastes funny, can I get another one?” bitches
The, “it’s my son’s birthday do you guys sing?” bitches
The, “we didn’t make a reservation on a Saturday night; is there a wait?” bitches
The, “I just want a cheeseburger without lettuce, tomato, cheese, or a bun,” bitches
The, “do you guys have bread?” bitches
The old folk, assume you’re not from here folk,
That think five dollars can keep a bitch from being broke
The, “can I sit somewhere further away from the kitchen?” bitches
The, “I don’t wanna hear the help talk about shitty tipping bitches”
Don’t wanna hear the kitchen talk about how they need more hours, bitches
Like, “God, this shit taste gross,” gonna take it out on my single mother server, bitches
The I’ll spend $50 on my outfit and $200 on dinner but tip up to the next dollar, bitches
So while you snap and clap back to these bitches and holla at their giving hearts,
You better check your so called bad bitches
Sweet grandmas, and “thank you for your service,” bitches
Cause for the record, last time I checked,
It’s 20% before the discount and that’s that, bitches
