20% Bitches

by Kayelina Publico

after Melissa Lozada-Olivia’s “Bitches”

I want to write a poem for the restaurant bitches

The I wanna get the fuck outta here

I’ve been here since 9 in the morning, bitches

The I gotta get my nails done by Tony, acrylic paint only, bitches

The I don’t know where I’m going

But I like where I’m at, bitches

The women don’t respect themselves these days

So don’t give those boys any poontang, bitches

Wearing all black like I haven’t washed this shirt in a week

Your orders up, bitches

 

I wanna write a poem for the restaurant reject bitches

Call in sick just so we can swallow fireball until 3

Seat me my damn regulars, I gotta talk to Scott about my schedule, bitches

My account should be going up, not down bitches

Gotta pay rent this Friday and feed my kids

Cause my ex-husband decided not to do it for me, bitches

Over forty hours a week, bitches

Some stupid ass baby made a mess at table three

Sharon slept with Aaron but you didn’t hear it from me

Goddamn, Millie can cook the shit out of a flat iron steak back there, bitches

Don’t forget to tell your girlfriend she’s pretty, bitches

Otherwise, back of the house will do it for you, bitches

86 prime rib bitches

 

I want to write a poem for all the people that eat out at restaurants

But don’t know how to tip, bitches

The, “this iced tea tastes funny, can I get another one?” bitches

The, “it’s my son’s birthday do you guys sing?” bitches

The, “we didn’t make a reservation on a Saturday night; is there a wait?” bitches

The, “I just want a cheeseburger without lettuce, tomato, cheese, or a bun,” bitches

The, “do you guys have bread?” bitches

The old folk, assume you’re not from here folk,

That think five dollars can keep a bitch from being broke

The, “can I sit somewhere further away from the kitchen?” bitches

The, “I don’t wanna hear the help talk about shitty tipping bitches”

Don’t wanna hear the kitchen talk about how they need more hours, bitches

Like, “God, this shit taste gross,” gonna take it out on my single mother server, bitches

The I’ll spend $50 on my outfit and $200 on dinner but tip up to the next dollar, bitches

So while you snap and clap back to these bitches and holla at their giving hearts,

You better check your so called bad bitches

Sweet grandmas, and “thank you for your service,” bitches

Cause for the record, last time I checked,

It’s 20% before the discount and that’s that, bitches